Identify 4
As is the daily dose, here are some quasi-related lyrics. Seemingly, apparently, but not. From the latest Modest Mouse album,
We’ve got everything down to a science
So I guess we know everything
We know everything was built to expire
So I guess we’ve done everything
…
If we carried it out to sea pushed it over the edge we’d have all been through,
Well first off Gary got drunk fell asleep in his car ‘til about noon
Flat Top Tony got all messed up split his lip chasing cheap perfume
Well look at our boat in the bay it looks like some sad ass little canoe
…
We’ve done everything like trial by fire
So I guess we’ll stop trying now
We’ve tried everything half assed and as liars
And that’s how we’ve got everything
…
If we carried it out to sea pushed it over the edge we could have all been through
Well no one even bothered showin’ up but we still did what we should have thought through
…
We crashed in like waves into the stars
Didn’t want it didn’t need it but we knew that we could see it so we opened up the door
We receded like waves out of the stars
Didn’t want it didn’t need it but we knew that we could steal it left it dying on the floor
…
We’ve got everything down to a science
So I guess we know everything
We’ve got everything
We’ve done everything
We’ve tried everything
We’ve got everything
***
I’m worried that my zealous diction might render points I’d make obscure. What I mean to say is, does any of this follow?
What I’ve been trying to get at is an argument about personal awareness of identity. While it may seem unintuitive, I believe we are each the least qualified person to judge our own identities. At the same time, ironically, understanding of an identity matters more to its owner than it ever could to anyone else.
If we turn our gaze introspectively, then we are undoubtedly biased. I believe the objective introspective view is an impossibility and a contradiction. Looking to the lives we lead outside our heads, all determinations we can make about ourselves are influenced in one way or another by the environment that surrounds us. These are the problems I come across when I try to find a satisfactory answer to the question “Who am I?”
I think that growing up, increasing independence, moving across the country, and having a much stronger role in my own education have all been very helpful in terms of that age old question (where value “age” = 19.6 years). It’s been just over a year since I moved, and it’s still very near the surface of my mind. As previously mentioned, a drastic change in environment can challenge environmentally based claims about one’s identity. A new environment may require that these claims (eg I enjoy Fall, school is boring, eating meat might be bad, I am social) be re-evaluated. Once the new environment has settled new claims can be made. Many old claims may continue to ring true, others may need to be discarded. Your mileage may vary.
Coming back to the East Coast for a month after spending nearly a year on the Left has given me a unique opportunity. A comparison of Environment East and Environment West had been running in my mind ever since I left, but this summer was the first time I held side-by-side the two sets of claims I had made about my identity. Triangulation with two sets of inferences.
Reunions are awesome and reunions are awkward. Looking around it is no surprise or secret that my peers have changed as well; some for the better and most more than I know. Would it be better to fall back into line with my previous understanding of self, and fill the role that most easily fits into the relationships I remember? Should I stand by my new judgments of identity and stick it out to all these people I don’t even live near anymore? I prefer accumulation.