Resolve
I’ve accrued few immensely valuable pieces of advice throughout my twenty years of research. One such bit came to me from my brother, who heard it from a friend, who received it from her mother. As with any game of telephone it may have shifted in transit, but I think the worthwhile kernel of it has remained.
Make yourself open to love.
While this modicum of wisdom offers itself up for many interpretations, I’ve only taken it in one way. Making yourself open to love is the act of willingly accepting opportunities and circumstances in life that lead to sincere and caring human relationships. To do so requires courage, may invite heartache, and demands a dash of introspection. It seems so much easier not to, to close yourself off to what is certain, familiar, and solitary.
If I resolve to do anything this year, it is to try in earnest to open myself up to love, as corny as it may sound. I got a phone call earlier tonight that really brightened my mood. I’ve been away from Chico for about a week and a half, and had only exchanged a few text messages with Lindsey since I left. In such absences of presence or detailed communication, I tend to get a bit stir crazy. In retrospect I can see how easily I picked up on small and perhaps insignificant details and expanded them into greater feelings of anxiety, loneliness, and doubt. For a few days my head was filled with considerations like “maybe she doesn’t think about me when I’m not around”, or “maybe I’m a burden and a bore”. Given enough time and mental processing power, I’m sure I could spin dozens of reasons why the whole “sincere and caring human relationship” thing was overrated, non-existent, or just not for me.
Then she called, and we talked, and I remembered how good she makes me feel, and that I trust when she says she wanted to talk to me. It’s incredible how my emotional state can be so easily and completely polarized by such a simple interaction. So what does this tell me?
Part of making myself open to love must involve calming myself down, becoming less critical of my own romantic worth, not jumping to conclusions, and making more of an effort myself. I could have easily called at any point in the past ten days and found the exact same emotional reaffirmation, but I didn’t. I look at myself in these kinds of situations and see someone who is waiting for someone else to open up, someone else to bridge the gap.
That ought to change this year. If I’m going to open myself up, then I must also extend myself outward, make the effort, make connections, take risks, and do it all with conviction.
There’s a song by Paul Baribeau called ‘Christmas Lights’. It’s one of those rare songs that somehow precisely captures a current sentiment or situation. It’s available on his great new album ‘Grand Ledge’ through Plan-It-X, or to listen and download from his M-Space. These are the lyrics that perfectly relate my winter vacation:
fresh snow on the suburbs
staying at my parents
it hasn’t been a good year
but things are all right heresleeping in the spare room
that used to be my bedroom
even though I’m home now
I feel completely homelessI’m looking at the moon
shining on the snow
and everything was blue
except the Christmas lightswalking round the basement
where my band used to practice
sometimes I don’t want to make new friends
sometimes I just miss my old friendsbut I’m seeing someone new now
she calms my heart down
but I’m too scared to tell her
how crazy I can get sometimesI’m looking at the moon
shining on the snow
and everything was blue
except the Christmas lightsI never feel better after I cry
I spent six months of my life just wanting to die
I’m learning how to be alone without be lonely
learning how to be lonely without losing my mindI’m looking at the moon
shining on the snow
and everything was blue
except the Christmas lights
Smell you later 2007, ahoy hoy 2008. Here’s hoping this resolution sticks.